Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by **Inspector** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 11:03 am

A few pics....

Post by **Inspector** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 11:05 am

A few more....

Eagle32 · Post by **Eagle32** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 11:36 am

A message

Post by **Inspector** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 12:03 pm

Eagle32 wrote:
Ya know your going down, heck Bazzil didn't even know about the "$" sign. How's he supposed to keep a car on the track?

Don't you worry about young Bazzil, he is in complete control.......

chronic · Post by **chronic** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 5:16 pm

Hexx · Post by **Hexx** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 8:04 pm

Bad America

chronic · Post by **chronic** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 8:19 pm

UnbounD · Post by **UnbounD** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 11:00 pm

Have fun at the lan guys[/i]

UnbounD · Post by **UnbounD** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 11:01 pm

Trooper · Post by **Trooper** » Thu Mar 24, 2005 5:38 pm

Trooper · Post by **Trooper** » Thu Mar 24, 2005 8:03 pm

Trooper · Post by **Trooper** » Thu Mar 24, 2005 8:11 pm

bling bling golf cart.....caddy style!!!

Biteme · Post by **Biteme** » Wed Mar 30, 2005 11:17 pm

HOW TO LOWER A SUBARU

Post by **Inspector** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 9:53 am

Post by **Inspector** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 9:58 am

One American, one Japanese and Banta Singh were sitting naked in the sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The American pressed his arm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear and spoke briefly into it.

When he finished he explained, "That was mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

Banta Singh felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his backside.

The others raised their eyebrows...!

"Will you look at that," said Banta Singh. "I'm getting a fax!"

Post by **Inspector** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 10:01 am

. . . if all major retailers started making their own condoms and keeping their same slogan ...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better.

Tesco Condoms - every little helps.

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger, Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Duracell condoms - keep going and going.

Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. (you won't get a pc user using these!!)

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain

Halford condoms - we go the extra mile.

On-digital condoms - plug and play!!!!

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what is says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!(sorry!)

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world.

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

Post by **Inspector** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 10:04 am

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.............................................49
Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates
Athletic......................................No t*ts
Average looking...............Has a face like an a*se
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist.........................................Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former sl*t
Fun..........................................Annoying
Gentle..........................................Dull
New-Age............................Body hair problems
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate..............................Sloppy drunk
Poet.......................................Depressive
Professional....................................B*tch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large lady.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Widow.........................................Murderer

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Post by **Inspector** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 10:11 am

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the woman who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you should smile.

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you
going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Post by **Inspector** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 10:13 am

The speedo from Snakes CTS Truck......

Post by **Inspector** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 10:15 am

Parking spot for females or Snake.......

Post by **Inspector** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 10:25 am

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry
five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Post by **Inspector** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 10:38 am

Hmmmmm

Post by **Inspector** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 10:44 am

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3 . Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?

6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

13. What do people in China call their good plates?

14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

16. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

17. What do you call male ballerinas?

18. Can blind people see in their dreams? Do they dream??

19. If Wile E.Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?

20. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

23. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Post by **Inspector** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 12:15 pm

If you think you're clever, try to figure this one out.
There are 11 people in this picture.
If you find 8, you have an ordinary power of observation.
Find 9, you have above average power of observation.
Find 10, you are very observant. Congratulate yourself.
Find 11, you are extremely observant, very intuitive and creative. You can rival the observant power of Sherlock Holmes.

Post by **Inspector** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 12:33 pm

Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation:

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.
They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!