8 Englishmen, 4 Welshmen and 3 Irishmen walk out onto a field to play the All Blacks
Bazzil's Joke Thread
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Trooper
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Heres the joke of the year..
8 Englishmen, 4 Welshmen and 3 Irishmen walk out onto a field to play the All Blacks
8 Englishmen, 4 Welshmen and 3 Irishmen walk out onto a field to play the All Blacks
"To do something well is so worthwhile that to die trying to do it better cannot be foolhardy. It would be a waste of life to do nothing with one's ability, for I feel that life is measured in achievement, not in years alone."
- Bruce McLaren
- Bruce McLaren
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Growler
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THE OLD LADY'S TALE
Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" so I just lay down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Growler
Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" so I just lay down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Growler
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Trooper
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True navy humour
The *actual* transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
The *actual* transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
"To do something well is so worthwhile that to die trying to do it better cannot be foolhardy. It would be a waste of life to do nothing with one's ability, for I feel that life is measured in achievement, not in years alone."
- Bruce McLaren
- Bruce McLaren
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diseased
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Viking
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Viking
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Prometheus
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Noice monitor cleaner 
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YouTube videos
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Prometheus
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and part 2
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YouTube videos
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Trooper
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Dc2 integra and a viper engine....silly?....
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"To do something well is so worthwhile that to die trying to do it better cannot be foolhardy. It would be a waste of life to do nothing with one's ability, for I feel that life is measured in achievement, not in years alone."
- Bruce McLaren
- Bruce McLaren
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Happy
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450 Sheep Jump to Their Deaths in Turkey
ISTANBUL, Turkey (AP) - First one sheep jumped to its death. Then stunned Turkish shepherds, who had left the herd to graze while they had breakfast, watched as nearly 1,500 others followed, each leaping off the same cliff, Turkish media reported.
In the end, 450 dead animals lay on top of one another in a billowy white pile, the Aksam newspaper said. Those who jumped later were saved as the pile got higher and the fall more cushioned, Aksam reported.
``There's nothing we can do. They're all wasted,'' Nevzat Bayhan, a member of one of 26 families whose sheep were grazing together in the herd, was quoted as saying by Aksam.
http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/ns/news/sto ... 030685.htm
ISTANBUL, Turkey (AP) - First one sheep jumped to its death. Then stunned Turkish shepherds, who had left the herd to graze while they had breakfast, watched as nearly 1,500 others followed, each leaping off the same cliff, Turkish media reported.
In the end, 450 dead animals lay on top of one another in a billowy white pile, the Aksam newspaper said. Those who jumped later were saved as the pile got higher and the fall more cushioned, Aksam reported.
``There's nothing we can do. They're all wasted,'' Nevzat Bayhan, a member of one of 26 families whose sheep were grazing together in the herd, was quoted as saying by Aksam.
http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/ns/news/sto ... 030685.htm
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UnbounD
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Thanks to bold for finding the site......
this is madness
http://www.planetvids.com/html/Dog-Bites-Man.html
this is madness
http://www.planetvids.com/html/Dog-Bites-Man.html
"Run Yasmine Run"
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Biteme
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Bazzil, sitting in class...
Teacher; We have a test on Friday, it will make up 20% of your grade and no, repeat no, excuses will be accepted for not turning up.
But Miss, I already know I cannot make it on Friday. said Bazzil.
And why is that then, asked the teacher.
Well, on Thursday I've a heavy night of sex planned and I just know I'll be far too worn out to be able to complete a test, was Bazzils reply as he smiled to his classmates.
Don't worry Bazzil, said the teacher... It's a multi choice. You can tick the boxes with your other hand.
Teacher; We have a test on Friday, it will make up 20% of your grade and no, repeat no, excuses will be accepted for not turning up.
But Miss, I already know I cannot make it on Friday. said Bazzil.
And why is that then, asked the teacher.
Well, on Thursday I've a heavy night of sex planned and I just know I'll be far too worn out to be able to complete a test, was Bazzils reply as he smiled to his classmates.
Don't worry Bazzil, said the teacher... It's a multi choice. You can tick the boxes with your other hand.
Why does KSR suck at FPS?
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BAZZIL
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, plz don't replace your name with my name in jokes about you -
Miggles
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http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htmTrooper wrote:True navy humour
The *actual* transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
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Biteme
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sniff sniff
snort.
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Why does KSR suck at FPS?
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Trooper
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The All Blacks were playing The Lions, and after the half-time whistle
blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Sitiveni Sivivatu getting eight tries.
The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the
second half, leaving Siti to go out on his own. "No worries," Siti told
them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened."After the game
Siti headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score 95-3.
"What!!!!" said a furious Tana Umaga, "How did you let them get three points???"
Siti replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."
blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Sitiveni Sivivatu getting eight tries.
The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the
second half, leaving Siti to go out on his own. "No worries," Siti told
them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened."After the game
Siti headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score 95-3.
"What!!!!" said a furious Tana Umaga, "How did you let them get three points???"
Siti replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."
"To do something well is so worthwhile that to die trying to do it better cannot be foolhardy. It would be a waste of life to do nothing with one's ability, for I feel that life is measured in achievement, not in years alone."
- Bruce McLaren
- Bruce McLaren
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Inspector
- Team DuD Motorsport
- Posts: 5473
- Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: Palmerston North
- Contact:
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the
1930s '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright- colored, lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were okay.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes! After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video-tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS, and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts, and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our "own" good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
1930s '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright- colored, lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were okay.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes! After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video-tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS, and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts, and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our "own" good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
Inspector
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Inspector
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Inspector
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Just to let you know that I have bought a one bedroom unit at Lake Taupo as an investment and I thought I would advertise it to a few friends and family as a holiday retreat. It is reasonably priced at $80 for three nights or $100 for a long weekend. It is a one bedroom, open plan high rise unit that overlooks the lake with plenty of car parking space underneath. You can book through me until such time as I am able to get a Real Estate agent to look after it for me. This is a special price for you and your families until further notice. I only have one photo at this stage which I have attached, so if you're interested, better book quickly.
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Inspector
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Inspector
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