Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by **Inspector** » Tue May 10, 2005 11:16 am

NZ Airforce has upgraded.........

Post by **Inspector** » Tue May 10, 2005 11:30 am

Post by **Inspector** » Tue May 10, 2005 11:46 am

Brave soccer players.....

Post by **Inspector** » Tue May 10, 2005 12:11 pm

This is 4.39mb so it takes a while to load but pretty cool. It is a Matrix movie made all in ascii.

http://www.mrbister.com/funstuff/other/ ... atrix].htm

odonohuesp · Post by **odonohuesp** » Tue May 17, 2005 12:17 pm

For you computer geeks

Wood · Post by **Wood** » Tue May 17, 2005 9:54 pm

*Warning; contains coarse language

*

http://cb.s01.user-portal.com/flash/lon ... ground.swf

Post by **Inspector** » Thu May 19, 2005 10:12 am

Girls Diary - Boys Diary

GIRLS DIARY

Sunday 11th May 2003

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I
suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I
put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later
he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant
and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me,
and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------

BOYS DIARY

Sunday 11th May 2003.

My football team was relegated today. Gutted. Got a shag though.

Post by **Inspector** » Thu May 19, 2005 10:16 am

odonohuesp · Post by **odonohuesp** » Thu May 19, 2005 1:42 pm

Looks like Snake's keyboard.

Biteme · Post by **Biteme** » Sun May 22, 2005 3:18 am

odonohuesp wrote:Looks like Snake's keyboard.

Nah, too many buttons, he doesn't listen to music on his PC.

Snake Rogers · Post by **Snake Rogers** » Tue May 24, 2005 5:20 pm

Prometheus · Post by **Prometheus** » Wed May 25, 2005 9:26 am

And here's why we only race in the sim world. Video file.

Post by **Inspector** » Thu May 26, 2005 11:22 am

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Post by **Inspector** » Mon May 30, 2005 11:54 am

Subject: Jamaican Job Interview

Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Rastaman says. "Oh, dat dere is easy," and
proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"You no see it, mon? Tree and tree and tree make nine, nuh?" says the
Rasta.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Rasta stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

"'Ere you go"

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Each of da trees him dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99. 'You tink I no got brain?"

The boss is getting angry as is worried he's going to have to hire this
Rasta, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100."

The Rasta stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree,
and says, "Ere you go, mon. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"

The Rasta leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree and says, "A little dog come along, seen, and crap by each tree. So
now
you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and
a turd, which make one hundred... So when I start, boss?"

Typhoon · Post by **Typhoon** » Tue May 31, 2005 1:16 pm

http://www.storewars.org/flash/

now this is a classic!!!!!!

Trooper · Post by **Trooper** » Tue May 31, 2005 8:04 pm

if the green party came to power in NZ......

diseased · Post by **diseased** » Wed Jun 01, 2005 6:58 pm

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Sulley · Post by **Sulley** » Wed Jun 08, 2005 12:10 pm

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy"

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus so shut the hell up."

Skuzzlebutt · Post by **Skuzzlebutt** » Wed Jun 08, 2005 4:34 pm

Decided to plug in a cruddy little webcam I've had in my drawer here at work for ages. It's the view from my office...you never know just where I'll have it pointed, it may turn out to be rather funny one day. Maybe.

http://www.skuzzlebutt.orcon.net.nz/

p.s. you have to manually refresh it (any web gurus know how I can get to do that automatically?) but I have the camera updating every 30 seconds...and it may get a bit dark when, you know, it gets dark...

Prometheus · Post by **Prometheus** » Wed Jun 08, 2005 4:46 pm

Husband is visiting his wife, who has lain unmoved in a coma for 5 years.

For something different, he tenderly brushes his hand across her left breast, and she moves and lets out a little moan.

Very suprised at this activity from is comatose wife, he hesitantly reaches out and brushes his hand across her right breast. She moans and moves again.

The husband, astonded at the apparent recover of his wife, rushes outside and confronts the doctor. The doctor, is very suprised by the sudden activity, thinks and comes up with an idea.

"I think sexual activity is bringning your wife out of her coma. I'd suggest oral sex and she should completely become awake. But of course seeing that it is such a private activity between a husband and wife, I'll wait outside" the doctor says.

"Hmm" replied the husband, "ok, I'll give it a try".

5 minutes pass, and then the husband comes out, white as a sheet.

"My god, she's dead!" he exclaims.

"What happened ?" asked the suprised doctor.

"Not sure, but I think she choked."

DAZA · Post by **DAZA** » Mon Jun 13, 2005 10:24 pm

What do Ben Aldin and Fred Flintstone have incommon?
They both get out of bed each morning, look out their front windows and see "Rubble"

What do Saddam Hussein and Colonel Custer have incommon?
They have both seen Tomahawks going overhead

You hear that the Palestinians are now recuriting Hindus and Hari Krishna's for their fight against Israel.... because they believe in reincarnation....they need suicide bombers with past experience

GOJACK · Post by **GOJACK** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 4:40 pm

Aint it the truth

DAZA · Post by **DAZA** » Sat Jun 25, 2005 3:16 pm

Whatever happened to Osama Ben Laden ??? ......Now you know

Trooper · Post by **Trooper** » Wed Jun 29, 2005 4:30 pm

not really a joke, i saw it at the manawatu vs lions game and it read
..."Dear Sir Clive, rugby is a contact sport signed Tana and Kevin"

diseased · Post by **diseased** » Thu Jun 30, 2005 6:11 am

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her packet, took a measurement, announce, "Eighteen feet, six inches,"
and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde. We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

KiwiSimRacing

Bazzil's Joke Thread

Where is the Nascar Key?

Scrabble