Bazzil's Joke Thread

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Tyrone
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Tyrone » Sun Sep 12, 2010 1:14 pm

:happyhair:

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KSR Aaza
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by KSR Aaza » Mon Sep 13, 2010 5:30 pm

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"If he gets any wider, he'll be racing in the carpark!" - Aaron Drever
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wanttobe
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by wanttobe » Wed Sep 15, 2010 12:20 pm

Man said to wife "Right you sexy thing, to the bedroom, Now!"

She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky bastard"

He said "No, seriously, the rugby's starting, now F*&% off'

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Ratman
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Ratman » Wed Sep 29, 2010 12:53 pm

Pilot's Wisdom

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

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Bull
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Bull » Fri Oct 01, 2010 7:42 pm

Crazy Asians been photoshopped into quite a bit lately

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Rasmo
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Rasmo » Fri Oct 08, 2010 10:20 pm

My PC was screwing up and it reminded me of this...


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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Obsc3ne
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Obsc3ne » Sat Oct 09, 2010 5:02 pm

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Tyrone
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Tyrone » Sun Oct 10, 2010 7:45 pm

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Bull
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Bull » Thu Oct 14, 2010 3:22 pm

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Pitbull
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Pitbull » Sun Oct 31, 2010 10:05 am

I cross ocean, poor and broke.
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there.
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, 'You come no more, we send cash right to your door.'
Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy! WINZ - it keep you healthy!

By and by, I get plenty money.
Thanks to you Kiwi dummy!

Write to friends in motherland.
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
And buy big house with welfare bucks!

They come here, we live together.
More welfare cheques, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
but neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, Kiwi guy moves away.
Now I buy his house, then I say, 'Find more immigrants for house to rent.'
And in the yard I put a tent.

Everything is very good,
and soon we own the neighbourhood.

We have hobby, it's called breeding. Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wives need pills? We get free! We got no bills!
Kiwi crazy! They work all year, to keep the welfare running here.
We think NZ darn good place.
Too darn good for Kiwi race!
If they no like us, they can scram.

Got lots of room in Afghanistan !
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Blenderer
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Blenderer » Thu Nov 04, 2010 4:56 pm

Ouch!

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If You Are In Control, You Are Not Going Fast Enough!

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MENTL1_CHB
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by MENTL1_CHB » Thu Nov 04, 2010 5:49 pm

Bloody ozy drivers aye :larf:

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wanttobe
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by wanttobe » Fri Nov 05, 2010 12:00 pm

Any of you interested, let me know?

My mate Barry has 10 iPads going half price- first come first served.

He has already sold one (pic is attached.)


Get back to me as quick as you can if you want one.
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Bull
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Bull » Sat Nov 06, 2010 9:07 pm

Cat Missile!

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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Bull » Mon Nov 08, 2010 7:02 am

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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Bull » Mon Nov 08, 2010 7:12 am

The IRS decides to audit Roger, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Roger shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Roger. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Roger says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Roger removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Roger says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Roger isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Roger removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Roger's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Roger asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Roger stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Roger's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Roger told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Bull » Mon Nov 08, 2010 5:53 pm

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KSR Aaza
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by KSR Aaza » Mon Nov 08, 2010 11:31 pm

:larf:
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"If he gets any wider, he'll be racing in the carpark!" - Aaron Drever
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wanttobe
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by wanttobe » Tue Nov 09, 2010 3:18 pm

This is just one car...what a paint job!
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KSR Aaza
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by KSR Aaza » Sat Nov 13, 2010 5:06 pm

You'll either find this funny or feel I'm responsible for wasting 10 minutes of your life:

:D
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Bull » Sat Nov 13, 2010 5:39 pm

Thanks for wasting 10 minutes of my life Aaza.

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Harding Jr
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Harding Jr » Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:57 am

Bull wrote:Thanks for wasting 10 minutes of my life Aaza.
My mind = blowen! I actually just read someone's life story. I wish he wrote it to me so I could reply.... "cool story bro"
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Our greatest glory is not that of success, Rather the way we rise after each fall

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KSR Aaza
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by KSR Aaza » Sun Nov 14, 2010 1:39 pm

Don't you steal my "cool story bro"!
"If he gets any wider, he'll be racing in the carpark!" - Aaron Drever
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Bull
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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Bull » Sun Nov 14, 2010 1:39 pm

KSR Aaza wrote:Don't you steal my "cool story bro"!
Cool story bro

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Re: Bazzil's Joke Thread

Post by Ugmo » Wed Nov 17, 2010 10:06 pm

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Radioshack/Livestrong Racing 10gb
Team GB with Cottie, PnPete, Fangin_it and Metal666
Also the greatest driver never to win anything at KSR ever

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